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Apr 11, 2008
my goodness my guinness

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Posted at 08:52 am by Jive
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Apr 6, 2008
Overheard in Ohio 3

"I'm going down the West Virginia mountain side and I'm gonna stop for a barbie?"
--Pretty lady smoking cigarette.

"Hiya pal! Boop. Boop. Boop."
-The guy who cleans the store talking to a trash can


Currently reading:
Henderson the Rain King (Penguin Classics)
By Saul Bellow



Posted at 10:30 am by Jive
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Mar 19, 2008
Overheard in Ohio # 2

 Only one for this post:

"Yeah! I mean really take it away from them. It's only geese. I'm sure they'll find some other time to be a geese."

--A forty or so year old lady at the bus stop in respone to another ladys statement that they won't build something because there is a pond where people and geese like to hang.


Man has been endowed with reason, with the power to create, so that he can add to what he's been given. But up to now he hasn't been a creator, only a destroyer. Forests keep disappearing, rivers dry up, wild life's become extinct, the climate's ruined and the land grows poorer and uglier every day. [Uncle Vanya, 1897] Anton Chekov

Posted at 02:22 pm by Jive
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Mar 17, 2008
Jenny says that Janie’s got a gun with Gloria please Help me Rhonda!

So with a roadie (to Fla) pending it's time to make a few mix cd's. The first of several differently themed cd's is that of songs with names of women in the title. Can you tell I've nothing to write about? More mix themes coming soon plus probably a review of the pulitizer prize winning play Doubt!


Angie
--The Rolling Stones
Come on Eileen--Dexy’s Midnight Runners
Layla--Eric Clapton
Eleanor Rigby--The Beatles
Mrs. Robinson--The Lemonheads version
Molly’s lips--Nirvana
Help me Rhonda--The Beach Boys  
Mandy--Me first and the gimme gimmes version
Roxanne--The Police
Billie Jean--Michael Jackson  
Gloria--The Doors
Jenny says--Cowboy Mouth
Janie’s got a gun--Aerosmith
Jenny 8675309--Eve 6 version
Judy is a Punk--The Ramones
Rosanna--Toto
Hey there Delilah--The Plain White Tee’s
Darling Nikki--The Foo Fighters version
Sweet Caroline--Neil diamond
Jenny From The Block--J. Lo (This is really only to add a bit o' humor to the end)

 

What progress we are making. In the Middle Ages they would have burned me. Now they are content with burning my books.-Sigmund Freud,
Referring to the public burning of his books in Berlin. Letter to Ernest Jones (1933)


Posted at 07:24 am by Jive
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Mar 14, 2008
You know what really burns me up week of march 10th

The first part of a new weekly feature. You'll get my rant on the media, the world, sports, movies, people and life in general. Included will be my goat/superstar of the week. So begins a little thing known as:

You know what really burns me up?

Goat of the week:


 Former NY Governor Eliot Spitzer. The man known as Mr. clean simply made it too easy for the comedians talk show hosts and bloggers--none of which have to work very hard to come up with jokes--when he was busted on prostitution charges. For $4,300 I hope the call girl (described as petite) was not only really petite but helped him with his taxes and with  balancing the States budget!

Superstar:



Anyone and everyone who helped dig someone out this past weekend during the big winter storm.

You know what really burns me up? Brooke Hogan knows best. That's right with a son facing jail time, and a pending divorce you'd think we'd be spare the painful "reality" show. Well you're wrong--shaping it around the daughter/wannabe pop diva means we'll get plenty more over protecting shenanigans brother!

You know what really burns me up? Floyd 'Money' Mayweather. More specifically his foray into wrestling which is a bust(I don't care how much money he's making.) He may be the best boxer today (I've never seen em) but as an entertainer he is a complete bore. He simply doesn't know how to share the stage and is a rabid line stepper onner! He only comes off as childish and boring. I hope he gets himself hurt

You know what really burns me up? That I hope the aforementioned Mr. Mayweather gets hurt.

You know what really burns me up? Publications that reject you and try to get you to buy their magazine at the same very time.

You know what really burns me up?  Blizzards in March.

You know what really burns me up?  Hang nails

You know what really burns me up?  The four 3rd world country sized idiot who stuffed themselves (barely) into their groaning chairs and proceeded  to continually talk/open their phones during One Missed  Call

You know what really burns me up?  A year of election coverage.

You know what really burns me up?  Cnn's nonstop coverage of the whole period of time before NY Governor Eliot Spitzer resignation. I know it was news but come on hours before it they had   person after person come on for interviews to say the same damn thing over and  over!

You know what really burns me up?  Me referring to the whole Spitzer story two times here!

You know what really burns me up?  People who greet you  by asking "How is (insert your name here) I mean why???

You know what really burns me up?  Those people who respond to the above with "(insert their name here) is fine" What are you a third person novel?














Currently reading:
Duma Key: A Novel
By Stephen King



Posted at 08:22 am by Jive
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Mar 13, 2008
One missed call review

One missed call

Release Date Jan. 4, 2008
DVD Release Date April 22, 2008
Running Time 87 minutes
MPAA Rating PG-13 - for intense sequences of violence and terror, frightening images, some sexual material and thematic elements
Director(s) Andrew Klavan
Writer(s) Eric Valette
Who's in It: Shannyn Sossamon, Edward Burns, Ray Wise, Azura Skye, Margaret Cho, Meagan Good

Domestic:$26,883,246   
Foreign: $2,783,158
Worldwide:  $29,666,404

Rating:
    (one and a half luchador masks out of five)

Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon) witnesses the death of two of her best friends just days apart. Coincidentally, both people also received terrifying messages on their cell phones that sounded like moments recorded at their deaths. Detective Jack Andrews (Edward Burns), who lost his younger sister in a similar way attempts to help her figure out who's been leaving the demonic voice mails. To make matters worse Beth has received one of the calls and now is in a race to not only solve the mystery but to save her own life.


The main problem with the movie is it travels the same ole PG-13 horror-movie road where it dead-ends, hitting the brick wall typical of the type of movie. You know the wall that is made not with bricks but with a lot of young people freaking out over ominous voice mails. I don't blame the writer, the actors, or the director--I blame the marketing people who seem to control the movies today--opting for the safer sell of a PG-13 rating over that of Rated-R. The acting as is the case with most college aged slasher flicks--and yes essentially that's what this is--left a lot to be desired. It does however star Edward Burns which I’m not sure if it makes the movie more or less scary (Bud-um-bump!)

*Authors note: I stole that joke from my lovely wife

What did the movie have? Well it had some nice imagery-the cat in the opening was simply striking. It had the generic twitchy choppy moving Japanese style baddies most horror movies seem to have nowadays (especially when a remake of a Japanese flick like this one is). I will say that no matter how common or generic they are they still look pretty flipping cool. The fx were cool but leaned a bit too the cheesy. How? Just wait for the ghost baby in the crib with the cell phone, and you'll be like oh I see now! As for scares it had it's share of them--some nicely made ones at that. I think on the wifey screech scale it hit 4. The movie attempts to have a few twists--two to be exact--but any regular horror movie viewer can spot them from a far. You can guess the end and of course it leaves open the chance for a sequel.

A few possible names for the sequel:
Another missed call. 
Why so many missed calls?
One missed call again!
Death calls again.
2 Missed calls.
One missed call: 2nd calling
or We probably shouldn't have made another movie about hearing your own death on your voicemail.

It may not be best written movie ever--okay take the "may" out of there--it simply isn't--and I sure didn't sell it much with the one an half luchador masks rating but it is at the very least entertaining. That's all you can ask for right? If you have a bad movie date night (and I suggest that you should!) this one can fit the bill. You will get bonus points if you can resist making some variation of the joke "oh no I have a missed call" as soon a the movie ends.







Posted at 07:32 am by Jive
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Mar 12, 2008
Overheard

The first post in the overheard in ohio series...feel free to contribute....


"I thought I'd call my kid sister...she's a stripper...but I guess I'll just do it myself"
--lady on phone in line at the grocery store.


"Due to bab weather bakery i
s close."
--A
sign in the bakery at a Giant Eagle during the weekend of the snow storm.

"I'm not buyin
g you that trash"
--A mother to her
son who just asked her to buy him a Readers Digest. It should be pointed out that she was buying a star magazine.


Currently reading:
Duma Key: A Novel
By Stephen King



Posted at 06:49 pm by Jive
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Mar 7, 2008
The clock strikes midnight

I always  thought I’d start stories
about her with “I met her way back when”
Only
it wasn’t way back when and
I still choke up when I think of
all the place we’ve been.

I can see her now in all her glory.
A blur of booze, vanity and cheap
self esteem spread evenly. A touch of mint twist of lemon
And we‘d call her a drink. Purple vanity maybe
she was ten feet tall if she was an inch.

Dressed to the nines we hugged. I saw stars cut in
Blues, yellows, browns. Fabrics that dripped gold.
Colorful dresses aside--she was quite the woman,
And did I mention completely made of stone?
No not metaphorically either. I’m quite literal.

Pink and squishy on the inside no doubt but
All rock on the outs. It didn’t phase me once.
She cut through the locals like a knife.
Working the talk show scene with ease
I was pulled along for the ride. I could forever live
in her fancy bag with candy and crčme.
And then

She shook with rage. Maybe I was a player
Mr. million dollar man
to be the hero of a city
Ripe with need.  Instead I was a spectator
unaware of the history before me.
Blank faced I watched her pick them off one by one.
Like so much dead weight. Friend or foe.
I never understood that moment.

 

Posted at 08:33 am by Jive
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Mar 5, 2008
Snakes on a blog

So I'm strolling around looking for stories that will entertain me an I come across:
Snake eats family dog as kids watch.

And I'm all whattttt?

I really only read it to try and figure out why exactly they allowed the kids to watch.
I learnt that a scrub (not the hit comedy on NBC) python, which happen to be 16 feet long stalked  the family's pet for days--laying in it's bed among other things. This stalking and eating took place at their home near Kuranda in Queensland state--Australian tropics.

The kids, ages 5 and 7, watched as the snake, which typically eats wild animals such as wallabies swallow their dog whole. There are even pictures  of the process though I'm not sure why or who even took them. One lady did attempt to save the pooch by throwing plastic furniture at it while yelling "pick on something your own size" at it. It apparently had no affect.

Pythons typically squeeze their prey to death before swallowing it whole. That probably mean the 5-year-old dog (a silky terrier-Chihuahua crossbreed) would have been suffocated within minutes. When the proper authorities arrive (zoo PO PO of sorts) they didn't try to pull the dog out of the snake fearing that the teeth and claws may harm the snake--who was taken to the zoo-to rest while digesting the doggy and will be released to the wild later.

Picture and story here


This story got me thinking "do we have enough plastic furniture around to protect our pets from a giant python?" No we didn't…..so after ordering some very bright and very plastic furniture--I pondered a list of the coolest snake characters from the fiction world.

TOP 5 all time snakes

5. The giant snake that Arnold wrestles in Conan the Barbarian:

This snake is not a main character but can easily slither its way into the number 5 slot. If only for the homo erotic nature of the scene between the terminator an his slippery foe. The movie is cool an the scene is impressive.

4. The collective unit of serpents from Snakes on a Plane,

a movie about reptiles slithering wild an aircraft at 30,000 feet. Why? If only for their wonderful ability to to bite such funny places: boobs (during sex)  and one dudes Johnson right after he pees-you get the point!

3. Those things from V:

Okay technically they're snake like aliens. They are human in appearance, needing special glasses to protect their eyes and have a low resonance to their voices. They appear to be friendly, seeking the help of humans to obtain chemicals needed to aid their ailing world. In return, the Visitors promise to share their advanced technology with humanity but as the unsuspecting humans soon find out they're an evil reptilian race. They were bad asses an a real threat to the human race!

2. Kaa The Jungle Book:

An Indian Python around 9 meters long, who wants to eat Mowgli. In stark contrast to the book, he is depicted as a somewhat comic and antagonistic character and during the movie manages to hypnotize Mowgli twice and Bagheera once. He even tries to hypnotize Shere Khan, but fails. In the movie he is voiced by Sterling  Price Holloway, Jr.
 
1. Cobra Commander:

Cobra Commander is the evil and often cowardly leader of COBRA, A ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world. He always covered his face, either by a featureless chrome mask or by a hood with eyehole cutouts. He wears a blue military uniform, occasionally sporting a cape and carrying a scepter, depending on the occasion. He was a wizard at concocting creative schemes for world domination the likes of: cloned dinosaurs, giant amoebas, miniaturized troops stowed away inside Christmas presents, and using a super laser to gleefully carve a picture of his face on the moon. He's always a wonderful quote: "Taking people's MONEY away isn't HALF as SATISFYING as making them SUFFER!" If you still doubt his being deserving of number one think about this: His distinctively raspy voice was provided by Chris Latta, who also provided the voice of Starscream in Transformers!


Honorable mention:

Snake-Eyes is one of the original members and a key character of the G.I. Joe comic book series. is proficient in 12 different unarmed fighting systems (Karate, Kung-Fu, Jujitsu) and is highly skilled in the use of edged weapons. He taught us silence can be cool. If Hellen Keller would've been able to do a spinning back kick she'd have been a star!

"Snake" Plissken The fictional character in John Carpenter's films Escape from New York and Escape from L.A., played by Kurt Russell. Like Snake-Eyes he's a quiet one. Though he rarely speaks when he does it's usually with an acidic and sarcastic tone. He make the list for rocking an eye patch--Although I thought he'd be taller….


Lifetime achievement award:

The devil for whom none of these evil stereotypes would be possible. Ever since he broke the scale ceiling with the apple back in the garden snakes have been one of our biggest baddies. Bravo!








Currently reading:
A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex
By Chris Jericho



Posted at 02:09 pm by Jive
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Mar 2, 2008
Scene 2 of the Devil comes to Dinner

 
Scene 2

About a week later. The apartment is dark with the exception of candles lit in various places. The furniture is spread out. Joann comes in takes a piece of chalk and draws a large circle on the floor. She stares at it. Exits. When she returns she is carrying a small table an a grocery bag. Out of the bag she pulls a black cloth and places it on the table. She straightens it up and then pulls out a few gems a black candles and  incense. She searches the bag and finally pulls out matches. She lights the candles and the incense. Fearfully she puts out the candle. Looks around. Pulls her hair into a tail. Waits. Snaps her fingers. Exits. After a minute she returns with a  large pot. Carefully she puts it in the center of the table. Out of the pot she pulls a cup of water and a salt shaker. She shrugs. After placing them on the table near the gems she looks around whistling a tune nervously. She steps out of the circle. Pulling a piece of paper out of her pocket she steadies herself.

Joann:
"First one must cast a formal circle." I think I can handle that.

Picks the bell up off the floor. Walks back into the circle and stands before the altar.

Joann:
In the names of the Goddess and the uh Horned God, I cast this my working circle.

Rings the bell.

Joann:
Lady Hecate, dark moon mother, please join us this dark night as we seek to release the pain and suffering of the difficult period. Please help us to let all this go that we may be refreshed and renewed. Okay now "charge the cup of water with fresh, clean energy. Imagine a bolt of white light entering the clear water." I'm a hostess at a  boring restaurant, do I even have imagination left at this point? This water is now charged may it renew our hearts with purity and joy. Okay number five: "Light the black candle." There. Come on. Okay there. "As it burns, write your troubles, cares, concerns, fears, peeves, angers, and anything else on the parchment paper. Don't edit, just let it all flow out. Don't try to write pretty. Write as angrily as you need to." Well that explains the parchment paper hope college rule is okay. It really shouldn't take too long come up with something. All I have are troubles concerns and fears. I will never be able to open my own bar. Working over forty hours a week. (The phone begin to ring) I can't take my mothers constant sniping. Adam never notices me…unless he wants something. I'm afraid that'll never change and that none of this will help. I'm sick of needing a man to feel good about myself. The injustice that permeates the world. Being a woman….no check that for having felt like it was okay to say that! NOT HAVING A MAN! Yeah put that in big letters. Number one not being attractive enough to find a man No that's number two. Number one not having one!

Joann rips the phone cord out. She drops the cord softly. Completely and utterly drained she sits down. She appears to be on the verge of tears.

Joann:
Wow. Number six "When you feel that all the energy has been poured into the paper and you can't think of anything else to write down, light the paper from the candle and drop it in the cauldron. As the paper burns, feel all the negativity float away. All is gone. Know that you are recharged and refreshed. Make sure that everything in the cauldron burns away. Use your lighter to char any remaining scraps of paper." Burn. Probably what I'm going to be doing when I die. Mom would be so proud of this.  "Pick up the cup of water. Drip a couple drops onto the ashes. Offer each other a drink--" This isn't something for lonely losers. Maybe this wasn't the right spell to pick. O for two Charlie. I've come this far why not…May you be blessed with renewal….okay skip step eight….We are filled with renewed life. I mean I'm filled with--no I like we…like my soon to be new found man…Nice. On to step number nine? "Release Hecate from your circle" I wish there was someone else here to do some of all this talking. Here we go Lady Hecate, dark moon mother, we thank you for joining us this dark night and assisting us as we released all that was negative in us. Thank you for carrying it away that it will not return to us. We are honored by your presence with us tonight. Stay if you will, go if you must. Farewell and blessed be. Whew. No offense to you Lady Hecate or to you the uh Horned God but I'm pretty happy this is over. All that is left is "release the circle." And then twelve "pour the ashes outside on the earth or into a moving body of water such as a river or ocean." Release the circle? Nothing on here about that. Well uhm circle? Your released. You hear me? You've been great but your no longer needed. Thank you? I'll clean you up later.

She blows out the candles and incense.  An air of comfort returns to the apartment. As she looks for her purse she smiles. When she finds it she picks it  up and then the pot. As she opens the door Charlie strides in.

Charlie:
Evening sunshine.

Joann:
Charlie? What are you doing here?

Charlie:
Evening sunshine.

Joann:
Hi Charlie. I'm a bit busy--


Charlie:
So I see. Is that a pot on your belly or you just happy to see me?

Joann:
I'm always happy to see you Charlie. You know that. I'm just a little bit busy. I have something I need to take care of…

Charlie:
Oh is that the you know witch stuff? What you have to get rid of it? Jo Jo you vamp you kill someone?


Joann:
No.

Charlie:
Not the stuff or no you didn't kill someone?
Joann:
Yes.

Charlie:
What?

Joann:
It's the stuff okay? Burnt up paper and what not. It says to take it out and dump it

Charlie:
Where?

Joann:
Into the earth--

Charlie:
That can be anywhere--

Joann:
Or something about running water. Like a river or an ocean.

Charlie:
Oh. Can I come?

Joann:
Charlie…I kind of feel drained….I was just take care of this and then crawl into bed.

Charlie:
But it's Tuesday! We hang every Tuesday and have for almost 2 years! How can you say no? A tradition.

Joann:
Look I'm sorry. We'll make it up. I promise.

Charlie:
A veritable institution!

Joann:
I know but I just went through a very spiritual and solitary thing. Can you blame me for wanting to be alone?

Charlie:
Yeah actually I can. And I do. That's your problem Jo Jo you think you're alone but your not. You'll never be alone. Except inside your head.

Joann:
Fine that's my problem add it to the list but you still can't come.

Charlie:
I'll make a scene.

Joann:
Then why would I want you to come with?

Charlie:
No. Here. Now. It'll be scandalous. You know I will. I'll proclaim loudly for all your old neighbors to hear that you their cute little friendly neighbor is in fact practicing the DARK MAGICS--THE DEVIL'S WORK!

Joann:
Shhhhhh. Charlie. I'll kill you.

Charlie:
HELP! SHE'LL KILL ME! HELP! Oh and then there is the ashes of the person you sacrificed that you still need to dump….I don't think everyone to know what you did.

They both laugh.

Joann:
Knock it off. You're not coming.

Charlie:
Oh come on Jo Jo. Please. I got another rejection notice today.

Joann:
Which one?

Charlie:
The place in NYC. I sent them--

Joann:
Blinded. They're idiots plain and simple.

Charlie:
Yeah maybe…

Joann:
Okay come on. I'll buy this time.

Charlie:
Yay! Where we going?

Joann:
Well I was thinking the bridge on west third. Then head over to melt?

Charlie:
Ooo a bridge. An adventure I love it. How romantic.

Joann:
Dork. Thank you.

She kisses him on the cheek. He smiles and stares at her.

Joann:
You coming? Well close the door if you are.

He watches her leave. Smiling he exits closing the door behind him.





 

Posted at 05:07 pm by Jive
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Jive
August 6th 1978  (Age 38)
Male
Cleveland Heights

This place was created to learn and help others learn about writing. I will post my writing here as well as stuff from other writers. There will be links to places that will help all writers and posts from sources on how to better ourselves as writers.



   





 




 
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